Vermeer and Pablo are Oriental cats and Atticus - well just a lovely little tabby cat. They live together on the South coast of England and have just as much feline fun as my own 3 cats. This story is based on the truth more or less as their "human" told me.
Vermeer: Atticus will you stop staring at that fish tank and come over here. I want to have a few words with you.
Atticus (thinking to himself): What do those Thailand mafia bosses want now? Looking at fish tanks is one of my favourite pastimes – you never know if one might jump out.
Pablo: Atticus did you hear what Vermeer said. If you want to be allowed to cuddle up in our nice new warm bed with us tonight you had better come over.
Atticus: Ok you two Oriental brothers I’m coming. Just because you know who your relations were, you don’t have to put it on. I am just as much at home here as you are.
Vermeer: Now let’s not get racial. Such names as Oriental brothers are not exactly polite. It just happens that our great grandfather was the chief of the Bangkok mafia cat gang and if he had been called such a name, your fur wouldn’t have been worth using for a rug after he had been done with you.
Atticus: Ok, put your ears back in their right place – I don’t really know who my dad was and my mum didn’t either. They sort of met on a cliff top near the sea and it was love at first and last sight, but I am sure he wouldn’t have let himself been bossed around by some sort of almond eyed cat with pointed ears.
Pablo: So that’s enough of the discussion, Atticus even if you are a bit cheeky now and again, you do have your good side and Vermeer has come up with a very good plan for enriching our feline diet. I mean we cats do have to stick together when it comes down to humans, even if not every cat can speak such fluent Siamese as me and Vermeer.
Vermeer: thank you Pablo, so now let’s get down to the actual plan that I have. Are you listening Atticus – stop looking at that fish tank.
Atticus: Ok, ok, I got the message – what do I have to do this time? It seems the brilliant plans of a gangster family cat always need the help of a tabby cat who doesn’t really know who his mum and dad were.
Vermeer: My first question is Do you like chicken breasts freshly cooked and cooled down?
Atticus: What a stupid question.
Pablo: I assume that in that case the answer from Atticus would be yes, Vermeer and I would support him.
Vermeer: exactly – that is just what I thought. Based on the experience of great grandfather Meow in Bangkok and the knowledge I gained from mother, if you do something properly there will be great rewards.
First of all we must be patient and wait for the day when our human prepares the chicken breasts. After they have been prepared they will be put into a plate to cool down. Now you come into the plan Atticus.
Atticus: what do I have to do?
Vermeer: nothing much – what you do most of the time – just sleep, but not properly. Go to your favourite place on top of the tumble drier. Then the human in question will be sure that you are up to no mischief.
Pablo. That is a good point. Atticus please pay attention.
Atticus: No problem, human always seems to breathe a sigh of relief when I am having a cat nap.
Vermeer: Good then that is the first part of the plan. Now Pablo, you now come into the plan. You will make yourself nice and comfortable on the lap of the human. The one that is always stroking you behind the ears.
Pablo: I am with you Vermeer – but what if I enjoy the stroking so much that I drift off to sleep. You know there are times when I really find that humans are quite useful.
Vermeer: you will not drift off to sleep. I have never seen you drift off to sleep when the scent of freshly prepared chicken breasts is around you.
Pablo: Now you have a point Vermeer.
Vermeer: When human is still and relaxed – we cats always notice such things – we go into action. Atticus
Atticus: Yes Vermeer
Vermeer: You will now descend from your place on the tumble drier, but without noise – do you understand – no knocking things over, very quietly.
Atticus: Of course, when do I make a noise – huh
Pablo: Well I do remember the time when you was smaller and decided you would get the tuna fish bowl from the table.
Atticus: And – what was the problem.
Pablo: You didn’t only take the bowl of fish, but the tablecloth as well and broke three plates – I had never seen the humans move so fast.
Vermeer: So boys, pay attention will you. Now when everything is quiet, Atticus and I will creep into the kitchen and grab a chicken breast.
Atticus: Why “a chicken breast” there will be more than one.
Vermeer: Because the delicate mouth of a pure Oriental cat is not able to stuff such a big breast in its mouth. You, Atticus will grab the breast of chicken.
Atticus: I knew it – the big oriental showoffs with the Mafia boss in the family, but I have to do the dirty work for them.
Pablo: Atticus – do you want a chicken breast or not?
Vermeer: exactly – ok Atticus
Atticus: ok boss (hiss, hiss)
Vermeer: To continue. At the moment when the chicken breast is removed there will be noise as we cats will not be able to remove the food in question without removing the lid to the plate and that will probably crash onto the floor. Pablo now you come into action. When the human hears the noise in the kitchen she will immediately think that Atticus is again up to something suspicious. She will jump up. Pablo you will extend your claws just enough to make a small scratch on the human – not too much but enough to hurt. Human will then be so preoccupied with her own pain that Atticus with the chicken breast in his mouth will run up the stairs on his short legs as fast as possible
Atticus: Just a minute who’s got short legs. Just because you Orientals walk on stilts – why don’t you do the running yourself?
Pablo: Atticus who has the chicken in his mouth????
Atticus: Ok – I will run up the stairs on my short legs. Happy?
Vermeer: Thank you Atticus. I will follow closely behind Atticus and Pablo will also be able to get away as human will still be painfully walking to the kitchen. Human’s last view of the chicken breast will be Atticus with it in his mouth heading for the spare bedroom.
Pablo: in that case we will all meet in the spare bedroom
Vermeer: Yes under the bed best of all and there we will share the chicken breast between us.
Atticus: I have to share it?
Vermeer: Do you want to curl up with me and Pablo this evening in our new comfortable warm bed. One paw washes the other as we cats say.
2 days later under the bed in the spare room.
Atticus: Now that was really a good plan Vermeer – it went off perfectly
Pablo: Of course, Atticus, we Oriental cats are very intelligent and our branch of the family combine intelligence with talents inherited from great grandfather Meow.
Vermeer: Well, after such a good meal, I think we should retire for a good nights sleep.
Atticus; you think it would be ok to go to bed now, is the coast clear?
Vermeer: Of course, humans are too preoccupied with disinfecting a cat scratch and clearing up the mess in the kitchen.
Pablo: and Atticus you have really earned your place with us in our new bed.
Atticus: Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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