Think of something that truly repulses you. Hold that thought until your skin squirms. Now, write a glowing puff piece about its amazing merits.
“Oh Fred, you are the best.”
“You too Mabel, I could stay with you for hours.”
“We probably will Fred, everything takes its time.”
“What are you two flies doing on my window.”
“Look, Fred a human with one of those swatting things. I am sure she is going to squash us.”
“Err, yes Mabel, just remembered I have a few things to absorb down at the cemetery, see you later.”
“Fred, Fred: typical man, leaves you as soon as it starts looking dangerous.”
“I will get you, just stay where you are.”
“No way human, now my boyfriend as left me for a cemetery fly and I am going as well. I don’t know what you humans have against us flies, if it wasn’t for us there would be stuff laying all over the place that you don’t like, we are the champions of “ick” disposal.”
“Don’t get me wrong fly, if you fly that’s OK, but my window is not for your nuptial exertions and let’s face it, your children are not exactly the winners of the best baby contest.”
“I beg your pardon, my babies are beautiful, all three hundred of them. At least I think that is the count up to now. They are very independent when they are born, they do not scream, have no teething problems or need potty training. They can do it all by themselves without me or their father, wherever he might be, to tell them good night stories.”
“There is one little problem fly, they are repulsive, they squiggle and attack food supplies in hundreds. They are everywhere. I remember I once had a packet of raisins and one of your sort laid their eggs in it.”
“Of course, we like to deposit our babies in a place where we know they will not die of hunger.”
“Big deal fly, but I am not prepared to help you to become mother of the year. The raisins were alive with your offspring. I had to throw the whole packet into the trash.”
“Great, the best place for it.”
“Glad you agree.”
“Of course, our fly babies love trash. They can really develop their instincts in the trash. A bin full of decaying material, what could be better. I remember when I was a baby, the same thing happened to me. I had found a nice comfortable dinner on some remaining meat that had been forgotten. I was thrown into the trash and believe me that was not pleasant. I was only a few days old and was already a victim of the human destruction habits, until I found that the trash was a maggot’s paradise. I know that humans have an “ick” with the word maggot, but we flies have an “ick” with the word human. You think you are so masterful and good, but spend a day at the local cemetery. You are all the same down there.
So to continue, I was a little baby maggot in the trash. I checked to see if I was in one piece and realised I was laying on an apple, nice and soft and brown with a few patches of mould. This was great, it was the key to my survival.”
“Hold on fly, I really do not want to hear your life story, it is disgusting. Just wait until I get you.”
“Ha ha, missed. Humans will never realise that we flies are almost indestructable and your technique with the fly squatter needs to be practiced. You have to be patient, stop breathing and then aim. If you are lucky you might get me. Actually I think I am pregnant, thanks to Fred, he was a quick worker, even if you did frighten him away, so be careful. If you squash me with that fly squatter, I might be gone, but I will be replaced by my offspring and your window will be full of eggs. And now it is time to go, Fred said they are having a party at the cemetery.
“Missed me again human, better luck next time. And do not forget, we are the disposal brigade, the ones that clear away the human mess, the cleaners.