The friendly, English-speaking extraterrestrial you run into outside your house is asking you to recommend the one book, movie, or song that explains what humans are all about. What do you pick?
“What was that noise outside in the garden. Sounded like something fell.”
“Hello Mrs. Human, remember me, I am Bog from planet Flum. I paid you a visit just over a year ago, so I decided to bring the family, they so want to meet you. Here is Flog, Flig, Flug and Flag, my four little Flumes and may I introduce the wife, Jubbly.”
I rubbed my eyes to see if this was true and saw them, each child resembling a copy of the father, with their three eyes. The wife, being feminine, had two mouths.”
“This time we are a couple of weeks later as I thought those dandelion balls would be finished with their fluffy stuff. I remember suffering from running eyes for a month after my last visit, and Flum months are longer than Earth months. I didn’t think I would be lucky enough to be able to visit again, but it seems Earth loves repeats.”
“Oh yes, they happen all the time in my part of the world, it is almost an addiction for some. By the way is that your space ship circling above us. It very much resembles a bird that we know as stork.”
“Yes, it will stay until we leave. Storks love bringing things, it is in their training.”
“I actually thought they were an earth bird.”
“No, not really, but when our ancestors made the first visits some of them bred on Earth and remained. They had to lose the habit of bringing stuff, otherwise Earth would have suffered from over population. All those earth babies dropping from the sky wrapped in sheets!”
“Oh I see, yes it used to be like that, but now we do it all ourselves.”
“So do we Mrs. Human” and Jubbly spoke with a dreamy look in her three eyes, although having two mouths there was a curious echo to her voice.
“You have four lovely children.”
“They take after their father, although I could do with some vocal support now and again. Flog stop playing with that pointed thing, you might injure youself.”
Flog had discovered my cutlery and was chopping his fingers off with a knife. It was no big problem, they just grew again and the cut off pieces just seemed to disappear in the earth in the garden.”
“Doesn’t that hurt him?”
“No, it happens all the time on Flum, especially when he has a fight with a Grongle tube.”
“A Grongle tube?”
“Yes, they are everywhere on Flum and of course, they have to eat something to survive. It is a recycling course of nature we have. Flog put those chopped off fingers in you pocket and children help Flog to dig them up. We don’t want them being left on Earth. A Grongle might develop and Grongles are not Earth creatures. We have to keep everything in its place on another world.”
I was glad that Mrs. Jubbly Bog was so environment conscious. It was then that she took a strange looking green tube from a fold in her hand. After chewing on it for a few minutes she seemed to have swallowed it.”
“Don’t worry Mrs. Human, we brought our own food with us. It was a Plongle, forming our main diet on Flum. They are very handy, full of the vitamins a Flumeranian needs to tie him over for a few moons and we produce them ouselves..”
And then I noticed that the complete family were chewing on these things. I decided to change the subject.
“How are you and your family progressing with the suggestions I made to Bog about Earth books and television programmes.”
“They were quite good, although a little complicated. The children have now discovered an earth TV person called Miley Cyrus and they find her physical exercises exactly what a growing Flumeranian child needs. See how well they can do it.”
There was then a demonstration of four Flum children all twerking together with Bog clapping his hand to keep the beat and his wife, Jubbly whistling through her two mouths a strange tune.
“What do you think Mrs. Human? Our kids and Mrs. Jubbly are the hit of planet Flum and their tune is now No. 1 in the Flum hit parade. Do you think we could take this Miley Cyrus human back with us, she would be a sensation on Flum.”
“Although there are many humans that would like to see her depart from our planet, I do not think she would be very happy on Flum. Her diet would be a little different to eating tubes. She is more into human food, like meat and salad.”
“Oh, we heard that the Earthlings eat organic matter. That would not be so good we are not so keen on the cannibalistic way of life on Flum.”
“But you eat that tube stuff, don’t they live.”
“No of course not, they are only there to be eaten, that is their purpose in their un-lives.”
There was a rap at the door. When I opened it there was a very impatient stork standing there.
“Time to go Flum family. If you breathe more of this Earth air you might turn into an Earthling.”
“Thankyou for having us Mrs. Human, we will visit again next year if they allow us another reapeat.”
“It was nice to see you all, so same time next year, I am sure you will all be repeated again.”