Friday, 13 September 2013

WordPress Daily Prompt: Snark Bombs, Away!

Try your hand at parody or satire — take an article, film, blog post, or song you find misguided, and use humor to show us how. (This might help LINK.) 

Photographers, artists, poets: show us WRONG.


I live in a Swiss Disneyworld where we have cow models on the streets because there are no real cows in the towns, they are banned to the fields where they do their cow things like plastering the fields with their cow cakes (a danger to tourists and other not-knowing people). There is an advantage to this cow recycling process. It seems these islands of brown firm matter are a heaven for the fly population. They build their homes in them and their families develop: lovely little children, all looking alike and developing into nice strong flies. At the moment the cow population is approximately 700,000, varying according to the season, so people are still outnumbering them.

I remember my first impressions of life in Switzerland. Taking an early morning walk through the surroundings I noticed that the inhabitants began the morning routine by opening the windows wide. Nothing special, we all do it, but I wonder which countries hang their sheets and other bed linen out of the window to catch the early morning freshness (and damp?) to expel their nocturnal scents. I was astonished. Not that I do not make my bed every day, but I do not burden myself with removing the sheets from the bed and replacing them again. To do justice to the Swiss, it is perhaps not everyone’s thing, but a common occurrence.

There are also certain rules of politeness to be obeyed in Switzerland. You enter a restaurant and find it not completely occupied, but almost. There is one person sitting at a table with room for perhaps four people. He sits there alone, no sign of a wife, children or other attachment and is quietly eating his meal. You are alone, do you sit at the table on an empty chair; of course, but first of all you ask “is this chair free” and you wait for an answer. Generally you are allowed to sit there, but do not ever just sit without asking. This re-occurs on a train. You enter a compartment, about half full, and there are empty seats dotted around everywhere. Never, ever, just sit down, but ask first and wait until permission is granted: an unspoken law amongst the Swiss.

I once made a mistake. I entered a train carriage at the last moment. The train was already leaving the station. I asked, was granted permission and sat. I then pulled out my mobile phone and called Mr. Swiss to inform that I was on my way. I was confronted with the lady opposite who put her finger over her mouth to signal silence. I received threatening looks from the remainder of the carriage inmates. How was I to know that this was a new development in travel? A new invention was born, the carriage where you can do your travelling in peace and quiet. You are not allowed to speak or move in a normal way. Only reading, thinking and breathing was allowed. Needless to say, still talking to Mr. Swiss on my mobile, I left the carriage and found a normal seat where there were humans and not robots. I looked over my shoulder from time to time to ensure that I was not being pursued (in silence of course) by a threatening mob of fellow travellers.

And now to something I am sure you are all dying to know: are there really gnomes in Zürich? This is naturally a secret of the highest importance in a country that lives and breathes money. It is an insult to our bankers to refer to them as being gnomes, secretive and greedy. They welcome every customer to their fold, especially those whose fortunes exceed a million of anything. The customers are given a bank account with a number and in this account their money thrives and expands. There is no secret to this valuable work, if there was they would not be on the hit list of the American government, as they seem to know what their citizens are doing with their hard earned profits.

Greed has nothing to do with it, if someone gave you a million would you say “No thankyou, keep it”, then do not expect our faithful Swiss bankers to do this. They are soldiers fighting to uphold the finance of Switzerland, in the belief that they are doing something good. Most of them live in villas surrounding the lake of Zürich, have their own numbered bank accounts, and have a few holiday homes sprinkled around the world in places such as the French Riviera, the Caribbean, and perhaps own a few quiet islands off the coast of Greece. So be kind to our bankers, they are doing a hard job and deserve their rewards.

So we have cows, gnomes (bankers) and also mountains in Switzerland. Just a few words to the mountains, The Swiss did not put them there, we just live here. Is it our fault that they were discovered by the British and the rest? We did not invite them to climb to the top or to tell everyone that Switzerland is the place to spend your holiday. So do not complain when our mountain railways are expensive, the hotels in the mountain regions are only catering for luxury. Did we invite the new Russian elite to spend their skiing holidays in St. Moritz, did we tell the millionaires of the world to build their luxury chalets in Gstaad, no. They were rumours spread by the first visitors to this country, that Switzerland is the place to be.

I have spent many holidays in the alpine regions, with the family, usually staying in a holiday apartment, which is not cheap. We loved it, but probably would have loved it all the more were there not so many foreigners also spending their holidays there. Groups of youth organisations throwing their empty cola cans all over the place and families with children trying to feed our cows with grass when they have enough growing on the alpine meadows, or jumping from side to side on the cabins of our mountain cars, causing a rocky ride.

I have been living 46 years in this Mickey Mouse land and am still here. It grows on you and I have never lost my ironic, satirical view. And I always cheer for the Swiss team at an international sports meeting. They have nothing to lose, and they very rarely win (except for the skiing events of course).

Click here for more

1 comment:

  1. Not forgetting two of my favourite Swiss exports......Toblerone and gruyere cheese :-))