Wednesday, 11 March 2009

MULTIPLY United Friends Challenge #125: Saturday Night Live: The Gnomes of Zürich

Spaceeagle's Challenge

Write a script, story, or poem that is similar to something they used on 'Laugh-in' or 'Saturday Night Live'

Scene: Gnomes with long white beards and green pointed hats dressed in various colours according to their nationalities, sitting at a round table. At the head of the table a gnome standing, whose beard reaches to the ground and has long grey hair. He wears a large badge – Chief Gnome, Zürich. The room is decorated with framed bank notes hanging on the wall.

Chief gnome: I decided it was time to call an international conference. I have not been hearing such good things about our agents in other countries, especially from our American branch. Al – speak up.

One of the gnomes at the table stands up. He is wearing a waistcoat with white stars on a blue background and red and white striped trousers. His green pointed hat has a dollar bill in the hat band.

Al: Yes sir, Chief Gnome. We are doing our best.
Chief Gnome: Doing our best does not mean tipping off citizens of your country how to avoid paying taxes. Admittedly we have been doing that in Zürich for many years, but it belongs to our tradition. Everyone knows and as long as it is only the Swiss, it bothers no-one. Our origins are in Switzerland and here we are citizens. Al Gnome, you are our agent and have caused a lot of trouble. Our reputation is not showing from its best side at the moment.
Al: But Chief Gnome, I was just keeping up the tradition.
Chief Gnome: Is it clear that the country where you are working now has a new president? Our tradition does not interest him. Just do not forget that you are only in America as our representative on a green card and the new president is something completely different. The other president was a little colour blind, but this new one knows that green is not only a tree, but has another meaning. Our spies have reported that your green card is in danger.

At this point there were many shouts around the table and fingers pointing at Al. Some gnomes were seen to be quivering in fright.

Chief Gnome: Order please, gnomes. Does anyone have anything to say?

A gnome stands up dressed in a black shirt with red belt and dark yellow trousers.

Chief Gnome: I give the word to our German gnome
German Gnome: On behalf of the German branch of the gnomes of Germany I would express our great disappointment on the actions of our colleague in America. We have also heard the reports from America and the German politicians are not happy. They have discovered that certain gnomes have been helping some of the wealthier members of the population to become even richer. Many of our gnome brothers are secretly leaving Germany in safe boxes going to Switzerland. They are claiming financial asylum and numbered bank accounts in Switzerland. This situation can no longer continue.

Another gnome claims the word, dressed in a shirt with red white and blue horizontal stripes – the French gnome

French gnome: Oui, I am in agreement with our brothers in Germany. What they say we say as well.
German gnome: thank you brother
Chief gnome: Since we have existed the French gnome has always agreed with the German gnome. This does not solve the problems of the Swiss gnomes. Al you must do something about the situation. Perhaps release a few names of the people hiding their accounts from the new president of America. Send him a letter with a list of three hundred names, this might keep him happy.
Al: Sir, chief, this has already been done. The new president is not happy. He wants more.
Chef Gnome: When is the next election in America?
Al: in four years sir
Chief Gnome: Where is the last president? He was a good man. We still have his money in a numbered account somewhere I think.

A gnome stands up wearing a t-shirt with a Swiss cross on it

Swiss gnome: Yes sir. We do, the problem is that the last American president forgot to memorise the numbers and he could only count up to ten. It looks like the money will stay in our wonderful but small country for ever.
Chief Gnome: I miss a few words from the British gnome. Is he here?
Swiss gnome: He sent a letter to excuse himself. He is busy trying to sell a Swiss bank account to the English Prime Minister. The last news I heard is that the British gnome has been melted down and gold reserves have been made from his body to stabilise the British pound.
Chief Gnome: I have made my decision. Gnomes go back to your countries and hide in a safe place in the vaults of the national banks. Make sure you have enough currency to survive whilst you are there. It may be a long wait but I am sure in two years things will be forgotten and you can appear again.
Al: Just one thing Chief Gnome. There is one Swiss bank in America that is not so popular at the moment. I would advise not hiding in those vaults, they might collapse.
Chief gnome: Thank you Al

As the gnomes leave the room they are seen kneeling in front of a photo of John D. Rockefeller which is hanging on the wall, next to a photo of Bill Gates.

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